Rhapsody en da Skyes by Maggi Norris - Literature - Ask Nem5

RHAPSODY EN DA SKYES
© Maggi Norris October 12, 1997

Names come in all sizes and types and meanings. What is in a name that gives it worth? Is it the spelling? The sound? Why is a name of importance? Why give worth to a word?

What is carrying on a name? Is it the fear that you may not leave anything behind? Are the memories of one not enough to sustain the fear of passing? Why is something ephemeral given physical weight? Do we pass this heavy load on to our young, in the hope they may find the same need in owning a name?

My tale begins several months ago. I was a novice chatter. I was a novice at most things to do with a computer. I did manage to turn it on without burning the house down. That was not far from the extent of my knowledge.

I went into chat nervous, shy, and unsure. What I found, were many others just as nervous, just as shy, and just as unsure. I made friends easily in chat. Most who go there, do so to fill a need. I was filling my need. For what, I did not know at the time. In many ways, I still have not discovered all I have been looking for.

In chat, you are free to be who and what you wish. I went in with one name. One simple name that said "this is me." I found it easy to change that name. I found it easy to become other than I was. I could be anyone. I could take a name that fit every mood. I did.

I had many names. I have many moods. I was frisky and fun with one name. Sultry and flirtatious with another. Angry and mean. Down to earth. Very serious. Too smart. I even had one to bring out the child still dwelling within me. I had names to hide in when I wanted the companionship without the chore of talking. I had names to hide in when I wanted to do something quite wild or completely unlike me.

I had all these names. Very few knew them all. Some never will. Most are gone. Then, someone said something to me. Something that brought my mind to a point where I had to consider why the names were so important to me.

Who was I hiding from? What was I hiding from? Where was I hiding? How was I hiding? I found, to my surprise, I was hiding from me. I was not hiding from what others thought or wanted of me. I was hiding from myself. I had fallen into an easy trap built up with the aid of chat. That of immersing myself too deeply into what I could be with each name.

I forgot that, although the letters had changed, and my mood had changed, I am and always will be who and what I am. I can’t change that, other than to strive to better myself. I don’t want to be someone else. I am not someone else. I am me. I am who I am. I am what I am. A name won’t change that. It won’t suddenly pay the bills or feed the dog. It won’t miraculously give beauty or fame. It won’t clean the house or make dinner. Why were these names so important to me?

Self acceptance is one of the hardest concepts mankind has to master. Can I accept me? That is a very good question. Is it the one that caused me to want to be other than I am? I do not profess to know the answer. I can ask it of myself. I can strive to keep who I am as someone I respect. I can believe in myself and what I am capable of. I can accept my shortcomings and try to overcome them or live comfortably with the ones I can’t overcome. Will I do so? That is a better question. Again, there is only me to make sure I do.

Today, I deleted those names. All but 3. All are known. Which of them should I now delete? I am unable to answer that. It seems very sad to me that I must delete them. They are me. More so than any of the others. But, they are also as different and unique of personality as the others. I have to come to a decision. Which road do I travel? Which me am I?

I am the one who named this story and couldn’t resist a play with names. Read the name of the story aloud. Is it not ironic? Even here, I want to play the game. Which me am I?

I am me!

Literature Index
Prose Index
A Perfect Morning - Maggi
A Glimpse of Reality - Maggi
Ferris Wheel - Pete
Fuzzy Angel - Maggi
Impression - Maggi
Lessons in Life - Maggi

Memories in the Mist - Maggi
Morning - Maggi
Rhapsody en da Skyes - Maggi
The Colors of Emotion - Maggi
This Lonely Road - Pete
The Trouble With Waiting - Pete
There Are Times - Monika
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